my ultimate fall back plan....

[write in xanga when life gets too tough. its past due really, so i guess i needed this]

just opening the webpage makes me feel that much more at ease. its so refreshing to know that no matter what i say in the confines of this small text box, i dont have to explain myself to anyone. this is me. these are my thoughts, if you choose to read them, its on you, as opposed to making the stupid choice of telling you, thats when its unfair of me to get upset when you dont see my point, when you dont fully understand. or at least pretend not to. i'm taking no more chances on advice from the people who seem to hurt me anyway.

and to be rather blunt [your advice sucks]

the issues. oh how they overtake me completely.where to start?

fucking choke... opps did i mean to say friends? my bad. im coming to find that really, i dont have many. its all games, you know, make yourself look better. put on a face. make excuses. get alittle too drunk, let some of the truth slip. its been that way all along, since high school. i think the reason i even pretend to care anymore is because i'm scared of being alone. bad friends are better than no friends. i really should not have to explain myself to any of you. i work hard, probably harder and more often than i should. i go to school, and i kick ass at it. i have to. its all that i have as a guarentee in my future. you have your rich and happy families. i dont. my family isn't poor, they just cant give me the money to allow me to put school on the back burner. i'm paying for it, its my future. and i wont fail. and yeah, i do have a boyfriend. just because i dont want to go out doesnt mean i'm blowing you off (even though i probably should start!) believe it or not it means i have stuff to do, just because hes in my life doesn't mean that i spend every waking moment in his presence or that my entire world is dependent on a him. you can take my word for it, that wont ever happen. its nice having him around, he helps me in more ways than he knows, but my life, my future, come first. its like those people who go to college to meet a man, get married, and drop out to become a mom. then 15 years later, when he gets bored and starts to cheat on you, or just falls out of love, you have nothing but growing children and a credit card debt. 

if you know me at all you know that this wont be me. i'm too sturdy to fall.

and god. pleasing people. its all i feel like i do. and i'm finally going to stop. i'm going to open my mouth instead of biting my tongue and let you know exactly what im feeling, the good, the bad, the ugly, and probaly the rude. but i'm done caring. i try to be nice. i try to please everyone. and all it gets me is more angry people. and i'm not talking about one bitter person, i'm talking about everyone! like even people who have never met me! how can a person honestly sit there and think they know what the hell they are talking about when they haven't even heard my voice. maybe its my problem. maybe is people who are too full of themselves to care, no matter which one, i'm done trying.

but just to clear the air...

i try to pretend that you dont bug the hell out of me, mainly because people think i'm nuts for giving you any thought or the time of day. but really, these people dont know much about how my mind works. so i wish they would quit telling me who and what to think about, the best its going to get you is a lack of conversation from me in the future, and maybe a masked version of me and my personality. see, if you cared, you would understand that listening to me means disreguarding your own opinions and trying to understand me a little bit better. figure it out, but only if you care enough to.

im entirely too caught up in the situation and your life. when it comes to the people in your world, there are none who really know me, and none who really care to. so i'm sick of hearing that another person has found reason to disapprove of me or the situation. maybe they should come to me next time, ill be more than happy to let them know my real intentions and feelings on the matter. then again, they will probably just take it the wrong way, so they shouldnt bother.  they should just stop judging what they dont know and dont understand.

i dont trust you. i dont like that you never want to come around, yet you continue to talk to him. in my mind that not only looks sketchy, but childish. a word of advice hunny, if you care about someone, whether its a friend, lover, family member, whatever, its nice not just to call when you need something. its pretty sad when you wait an entire year without seeing someone and the only reason you finally do is because you asked a favor. but really, i feel like the opportunities have been there for you, and im not going to offer anymore. if i continue to feel hurt and betrayed, i will say something. my feelings are important, and i'm sick of people just shrugging them off.

you. i'm not sure what to think, but i'm not supposed to say that, am i? well it seems to me that when i ask you about something, its probably because i feel that the situation seems to be headed in that general direction. i dont care if you agree or not, but some sign of understanding would be great. i talk because i think it helps. if you continue not to talk, its going to start hurting. and then i fear its a dead end, maybe you haven't seen it first hand like i have and thats why its not clear. let me break it down. you will be quiet because you think thats what helps, ill continue to bug you until you cant stand it anymore. then i will get angry and defensive. then the nights will be long and lonely, we'll start playing the one person home, one person not home game. then it becomes easy to just say "we fell out of love." thats the story of my parents. since i'm already skeptical about love, i also fear a repeat in history. i just dont want to lose you, and all of this built up emotion... its killing me, to say the least.

i guess i'm done for now... i'm sorta just over it.

i'm the person who holds on to things too tightly, afraid of how i will be changed after i let go. it doesn't matter how serious the matter is, i'm still afraid of the gap between how it is and how it could be.. i don't think thats something about me that will ever change.

ever since i was young i've had this very problem. i should have realized it from the start, the clues to my timid tendencies where always apparent. i should have known that i was forever damned when i secretly stole my "favorite" penguin sippy cup from the box labeled for sale at our family's garage sale (like i would have ever used that cup again) still at the time it seemed too sacred in my eyes... it contained too much memory and comfort then to be lost forever.

up until two nights ago i had this whole drawer next to my bed full of "treasures." all stupid things really, tiny glass cars, big silver keys, old belt buckles, and snow globes, things that any normal 19 year old probably would never consider more than junk. yet there they were. tiny mementos of past fleeting seconds of happiness (oh grandpa can i please  have that rusted tin cup?!) i don't know if  by keeping every single one of those things i was trying to keep all of those seconds of utter bliss from escaping my memory, or whether i was just scared that something so special would never come into my possession again... either way, there they reminded, old and dusty, until now.

in a sense this past year has been a long and exaggerated rite of passage. my own personal victory over my past. so much has changed, so many things that have become "lost" to me. my innocence, childhood, friends, lovers, the list goes on and on. the only difference between my penguin sippy cup and the loss of so many special people and emotions is that with my penguin sippy cup, whether or not i chose to keep it or sell it, was up to me. i was the one who could decide if i wanted my life to continue on without it, it was me who could determine if the risk of not having something was worth it. this past year has been anything but under my control. its a difficult lesson i've had to learn, and one that has made me so much stronger than i could have ever imagioned. all of this i was unaware of until i started filling up garbage sack after garbage sack of old "treasures" from my room, things that a year ago i never would have had considered giving up.

i'm a new person. a fresh breath of air. an innovative begining. my own moment of happiness.

                     yet breathing has never been harder.

i love you so much...

i just wish i could tell you.

have you ever had to make a decision that would determine whether or not you lived? would you?

what would be worse, worrying everyday that theres a chance that you could die sooner than you imagioned, or taking that huge step to find out for sure whether or not you will live or die, to find out if its really something to be wasting your time worrying about. would it be worse to know for sure, or to keep living in this state of wonder, to be forced to continue asking yourself "what if" all the time.

i've been thinking about this over and over for the past few days, tossing and turning, unable to make up my mind. i've never had to challenge my emotions this way. i feel like with either choice i make i lose something, you know, one of lose infamous lose-lose situations. even now, after ive made my decision, i can still feel my knees shaking, i can still feel my heart breaking. how could i have been so careless with my life? i cant imagion losing everything beautiful and unknown about my future in one phone call.

i guess i'm past the results, i guess i'm past worrying about that. its the disappointing you thats making me worry the most. its losing everything i've worked so hard to achieve about myself, all those things in life i've done to impress you. its all those spelling tests with the score 25/25 hanging on the fridge (look i got the challenge words!), its all those volleyball games i've won, its all those honor classes i've taken so i can end up with a 4.0 in highschool, its going to college so i can be something amazing when i grow up. its losing all those things in one second.

i dont think i could handle that.

i've got to keep telling myself that i'm strong. keep facing forward to be rewarded with the rebirth of a new me. even though its taking all my faith, even though its making it hard to breathe, i'm going to continue on toward tomorrow...

        come what may. god give me strength.

"so...what are the biggest fears in your life right now" -jenna

that was the question that i was asked the other night. i kind of stood there dumb founded for a second, trying to come up with the single, biggest fear in my life (and if you know me at all, you should know that i have quite the list of worries to choose from) i began to think about my life now and then how i wanted it to look in the future. things like getting into the classes that i want, getting more hours at work, the two huge tests that i have coming up, writing this paper or that, and all these other small things that when squeezed together make something big and menacing. at the moment in time, that huge group of little things were the biggest fears in my life.

the next day i thought about the same question. much to my surprise i found that my biggest fears had changed. and then the next day it was the same thing... new fears, new challenges, new hopes. a never ending cycle. new

then i started to think what it would be like not to be burdened with worry. not to be held down by the huge weight of "what ifs." i told myself that i would strive to not worry about things that are out of my control... the things that have happened, the things that i wish i could take back, the things of the future that i cannot predict. i realize that this goal is not a realistic one for me, but knowning that i am going to try to breathe in and out and not think about all the crazy things that happen in between, is enough to make me feel alittle bit better about where i'm at and where i'm going. i guess we all get scared now and then... some more than others (me) but i'm getting better. i'm learning each day to have faith and that really there is nothing to be afraid of, its just life.

               i get scared but i'm not crawling on my knees.